Listen

If only you would have listened when I tried to explain. If only you had for one single moment had the humility to process a viewpoint other than your own.... I tried my best to get through to you, in the beginning, when I had thought you were still salvageable, you scoffed at me and called me stupid and n.  We went to the same college, had the same amount of education, and yet you saw fit to belittle me and make me feel foolish. I was your Jester...your amusement when you felt a need for buoyancy. I wasn't trying to dictate to you how you should live but I had to protect my children. Why in the world could you not see the damage you were doing through your cruel actions, your callous, thoughtless words and your inability to act on the promises you made to change; all as empty and vacant as your heart.

If only you could see that all your fanatical religious beliefs are a crutch, something for you to lean on to support you when you can't accept the truth. When you have nowhere else to go you turn to your "faith" which is nothing more than your distortion of words, twisted and molded to put those around you into chains, into categories of "Sinners" and "Saints."  You will never understand that we are all a little of both and if one be damned then so are we all...

If you only had been able to see that children are not possessions - not chattel - you would still have the gift of being able to laugh with your daughter because she is in many ways wiser than you, and her words are a mixture of childish idealism and the cold harsh reality of adulthood come too soon...and you would laugh because you cant believe how grown up she is and yet how much further she has to go and how much is out there for her to experience...and you would feel a sense of relief that she is still young and a sense of dread that she is.  Or you would be able to watch a sunset with your son in absolute silence, no words needed, because you both felt the peace of knowing that just that one day you had done the very best you could to make the world a better place and tomorrow would come and you'd have another chance to do it all again to be significant.  To matter. You'd be able to appreciate your youngest child's gift of inner peace and extreme intelligence and her magnetism that seems to lighten the hearts of everyone she touches. You wouldn't try to bind her to you through force and manipulation because she is light-hearted and free and she needs to be allowed to soar and experiment with finding herself, through music, through friendship, through making mistakes.

If only you would not stick so doggedly to what you think is right, you might be able to learn something that could possibly change your life forever - take you to a better place where fear of failure, hell and damnation evaporate into thin air and you are free...totally free to live your life in joy and with love.I failed miserably at enlightening you on these things. But I have these gifts and so many more for which I am eternally grateful. My life is full...

Splitting in Two - My Role as a Wife/Mother in a Blended Family

When my son came home from college for Thanksgiving last week, I swore that this time would be different; there would be NO FIGHTING between he and my husband. I was putting my foot down, and I let them both  know it. No screaming, getting in each others faces over who forgot to flush the toilet or who was drinking straight out of the milk carton; no hooking me in to their arguments, no forcing me to take sides between the man I love and my firstborn - my son. It had been a rough few months around here, and in anticipation of what had the possibility of turning into a volcanic eruption of anger and cruelty with me playing referee, I decided to take a proactive approach this time.This all meant for me that I had to start psyching myself up for Corey's homecoming.  I just didn't feel up to the usual role of mediator. It was getting old already! Seven years, and the two of them still couldn't coexist in the same space without pissing each other off. It isn't that they don't love each other, but as in most stepfamilies, sometimes oil and water just don't mix, and planning activities for us to do to avoid any possible triggers for either of them, seemed to be a logical solution.

So thankfully, Wednesday and Thursday, Thanksgiving, passed without a hitch, although Corey was at his father's house all day Thursday, and only got home in the evening And I was almost going to give an inward sigh of relief, but then I caught myself and decided against it; still a few more days to go...no sense jinxing myself yet!

 

Friday morning, I was up early because I had to visit a customer at  So I figured, what could be the harm of running to the mall early for Black Friday since everyone was still sleeping at home. NOTE: I am NOT a Black Friday fanatic; in fact I hate the mall and have panic attacks there when it gets crowded, so I usually avoid it at all costs on the weekend. but the mall is literally five minutes from my house, and I was low on funds this year and could use a good bargain.

Miraculously I found a parking spot a stone's throw from the entrance to the mall, and what are the chances of that??? And on Black Friday??  Wow. That must be a good sign.

NOT.

Literally a half hour after I arrived, my phone rang. I saw that it was Corey, but the noise level in the mall Friday was almost intolerable, so I let my cell go to voicemail, and figured I'd had my fill of the place anyway, and would give him a call when I got to my car.

Happy Ending???

The moral of the story, if there is one, is that there can be a happy ending, even in the worst of situations.

My daughter has transferred to a different school district. With apprehensions for everyone involved, she made the leap of faith and angels landed her gracefully on her feet.

After the initial pink cloud feeling of "being the new kid that everyone wanted to befriend" dissipated, after making a new start, free of prejudicial judgements and baggage, she has established herself firmly in her new school, complete with exceptional grades, confidence and some really good friends.

My faith in humanity has been somewhat restored for now, after seeing the way the school district, administration, teachers and in particular the students embraced her and made her feel welcome and special. While I am not naiive enough to believe that every school doesn't have its problems and problem children, I am encouraged by the way her transition was eased by everyone she came in contact with. I had anticipated a long and difficult process of assimilation and we had all prepared for that; however it just was so much more simple than that.

I really can't say why, except that different schools have different makeups and different personalities that seem to reflect pretty accurately the kids that go there. Her new school is much more diverse than where she had been, (socially, economically, racially and otherwise) and differences are recognized AND appreciated. This was in stark contrast to where she was before, where everyone was pretty much the same. Further these kids are actively engaged in learning, and my daughter has really flourished and become quite the student!

She actually loves school now, which is a miracle that I never thought I would see. She wants to go to school! She wants to become involved in the various extracurriculars, wants to just participate in life in general.

What a difference from the child who cried and shuddered at even the thought of getting on the bus, of entering the school building, spending hours in the guidance office rather than face her tormentors.

It is wonderful as a parent to know that you have made the right decision, particularly one as difficult as this one was to make. I am so thrilled and so happy and proud of her, her bravery, her willingness to take a chance, and to bounce back from something so horrible as what she had to endure. This is a life lesson for me, reminding me to trust my gut. If it feels right, do it.