If only you would have listened when I tried to explain. If only you had for one single moment had the humility to process a viewpoint other than your own.... I tried my best to get through to you, in the beginning, when I had thought you were still salvageable, you scoffed at me and called me stupid and n. We went to the same college, had the same amount of education, and yet you saw fit to belittle me and make me feel foolish. I was your Jester...your amusement when you felt a need for buoyancy. I wasn't trying to dictate to you how you should live but I had to protect my children. Why in the world could you not see the damage you were doing through your cruel actions, your callous, thoughtless words and your inability to act on the promises you made to change; all as empty and vacant as your heart.
If only you could see that all your fanatical religious beliefs are a crutch, something for you to lean on to support you when you can't accept the truth. When you have nowhere else to go you turn to your "faith" which is nothing more than your distortion of words, twisted and molded to put those around you into chains, into categories of "Sinners" and "Saints." You will never understand that we are all a little of both and if one be damned then so are we all...
If you only had been able to see that children are not possessions - not chattel - you would still have the gift of being able to laugh with your daughter because she is in many ways wiser than you, and her words are a mixture of childish idealism and the cold harsh reality of adulthood come too soon...and you would laugh because you cant believe how grown up she is and yet how much further she has to go and how much is out there for her to experience...and you would feel a sense of relief that she is still young and a sense of dread that she is. Or you would be able to watch a sunset with your son in absolute silence, no words needed, because you both felt the peace of knowing that just that one day you had done the very best you could to make the world a better place and tomorrow would come and you'd have another chance to do it all again to be significant. To matter. You'd be able to appreciate your youngest child's gift of inner peace and extreme intelligence and her magnetism that seems to lighten the hearts of everyone she touches. You wouldn't try to bind her to you through force and manipulation because she is light-hearted and free and she needs to be allowed to soar and experiment with finding herself, through music, through friendship, through making mistakes.
If only you would not stick so doggedly to what you think is right, you might be able to learn something that could possibly change your life forever - take you to a better place where fear of failure, hell and damnation evaporate into thin air and you are free...totally free to live your life in joy and with love.I failed miserably at enlightening you on these things. But I have these gifts and so many more for which I am eternally grateful. My life is full...
