Happy Ending???

The moral of the story, if there is one, is that there can be a happy ending, even in the worst of situations.

My daughter has transferred to a different school district. With apprehensions for everyone involved, she made the leap of faith and angels landed her gracefully on her feet.

After the initial pink cloud feeling of "being the new kid that everyone wanted to befriend" dissipated, after making a new start, free of prejudicial judgements and baggage, she has established herself firmly in her new school, complete with exceptional grades, confidence and some really good friends.

My faith in humanity has been somewhat restored for now, after seeing the way the school district, administration, teachers and in particular the students embraced her and made her feel welcome and special. While I am not naiive enough to believe that every school doesn't have its problems and problem children, I am encouraged by the way her transition was eased by everyone she came in contact with. I had anticipated a long and difficult process of assimilation and we had all prepared for that; however it just was so much more simple than that.

I really can't say why, except that different schools have different makeups and different personalities that seem to reflect pretty accurately the kids that go there. Her new school is much more diverse than where she had been, (socially, economically, racially and otherwise) and differences are recognized AND appreciated. This was in stark contrast to where she was before, where everyone was pretty much the same. Further these kids are actively engaged in learning, and my daughter has really flourished and become quite the student!

She actually loves school now, which is a miracle that I never thought I would see. She wants to go to school! She wants to become involved in the various extracurriculars, wants to just participate in life in general.

What a difference from the child who cried and shuddered at even the thought of getting on the bus, of entering the school building, spending hours in the guidance office rather than face her tormentors.

It is wonderful as a parent to know that you have made the right decision, particularly one as difficult as this one was to make. I am so thrilled and so happy and proud of her, her bravery, her willingness to take a chance, and to bounce back from something so horrible as what she had to endure. This is a life lesson for me, reminding me to trust my gut. If it feels right, do it.

On Middle-school "Friendships" +The Adult Version

I'd like to say that life is fair, and that good always triumphs over evil, that everyone gets what they deserve, that the innocent are always so until proven otherwise...all of these things that we learned growing up, just don't really seem to cut it when your child is the victim of bullying.
Sayings like this lose their fire, their passion, and seem to fizzle.

I have spent many sleepless nights trying to get the root of bullying behavior, particularly when it is directed at someone who used to be a friend.It is one thing to say that middle school age children are self-directed, little narcissists that believe vehemently in every man for himself, and survival of the fittest. It is another to apply this to relationships that have been forged from preschool years, mothers' friendships, and all the shared experiences and memories that go along with these things.

What is it that enables someone to sever ties with someone who has done nothing to hurt them, nothing to embarrass them, nothing but try to hang on and hang in, and struggle to maintain the bonds of friendship long after those ties have been viciously cut by the kids doing the bullying?

What is it that causes these same children to start vicious rumors, by their very nature fallacious and cruel, designed to further alienate a girl who used to be their friend, who included them and brought new girls into an already long established group of girls who vowed to be BFFs?


It has been torture for my daughter to go to school, to see these girls who she for so long still wanted to remain friends with in spite of what they did to her. They were her security blanket, her group, her friends. And what is the value of friendship then?

Is it nothing more than who has the coolest i-phone, or the most shoes? Is it who wears makeup, who has sex, who doesn't, whose parents let them stay out latest or have parties unsupervised in the 8th grade? Is it who flirts the best or who isn't too pretty so as not to detract attention from boys from the Queen Bee? Is this what friendship means these days? Because I really am clueless to help my daughter answer these questions anymore.

I am 46 years old, and I always thought that friendship meant first and foremost someone who was there for you when you needed them and who you would do the same for. I thought it was a shoulder to cry on, a helping hand you lend, a common bond that comes over time from shared experiences, joys and tears and growing up. I thought friends will tell you what they truly think, even if it's not what you want to hear, but always done with love and caring and feeling. Because all these things we see on Facebook today, "I love you so-and-so, you are my sista!" , these things I take to heart. I love my friends and I would do anything for them. I have their back, NO MATTER WHAT.

But what about middle-school? What about the changing friendships one day to the next, the ins and outs and the friending and unfriending, the jumping around from one person to the next? Maybe it's about finding your place. Maybe it's about not knowing where you fit in, not child, not adult...feeling out the societal roles , using school as a test run for real life. I don't know.

But the cruelty? Where does that come in? What are parents teaching their kids? I'd love to be a fly on the wall, because I certainly don't think I'd like what I hear; I KNOW I don't like what I see. Values. Where are they?