Shattering the Glass Bubble

When I was growing up, I used to take a lot of problems upon myself rather than burdening my mother or father with them. I kept a lot inside, and consequently, had some issues around this as I got older. As a mother myself now, I have no choice but to take on the problems of my children as they become teenagers and older and try to make their way in the world. If they hurt, I hurt more. If they have a problem, I will be the one to have the sleepless nights, and I will try to help them fix it, with gentle guidance and ultimately, if that doesn't work, putting my foot down and solving it for them in the best way I can see fit. It isn't a matter of becoming too enmeshed in the problems of other people; these are my children, my life, my blood and an extension of myself; so much so that the pain I feel when I see them struggle is visceral, all-consuming. I cannot bear to see them hurt, and while I recognize that life can be painful, to see anyone, particularly my kds, suffer pain at the hands of another is just unbearable for me to watch.

My son is going through some terrible times right now. He came home from college in December. He started working an internship in Manhattan, commuting from Rockland County, and all was well. However, about a week and a half ago, he slid on the ice, and crashed into a telephone pole, totalling his car and receiving a concussion. If it wasn't bad enough to be home with no transportation and a huge bump on his head, we found out that his father, who is my ex-husband, had removed him from his auto insurance without informing anyone.

I was furious. If my son had hit another driver, or injured someone other than himself, he would have had no coverage, and would be in a whole lot of trouble. I simply don't understand why someone would do such a thing,  and worry more about saving a few bucks than about the safety and well being of their own child that they profess to "love"; but then again this has been the pattern all along,  And I realized long ago, that I cannot not control his father's behavior towards him, and I can only react appropriately.

This situation brought up other issues with my son's father, both from the past and present, and finally led to him confronting his father about his behavior and the multitude of inappropriate and disrespectful things he has done. It took 6 years, but my son finally found the courage to stick up for himself in the presence of a personality that is controlling and at the same time weak emotionally.

My son, over the past 6 years, has done nothing but give his father the benefit of the doubt. He has chosen to believe, as is his nature, that people will do the right thing. I, being the more jaded individual that I am, have no such illusions. Yet, he is so young, and so idealistic, which in a way is a very good quality to have; to always believe the best about humanity and other people. to think that things should be a certain way, and that people should act in a way that is kind and compassionate towards others. I have felt in the past that for me to "burst that bubble" with my somewhat wary outlook and comparative suspicion of others would be cruel. But life takes funny turns sometimes; and now he has had that bubble not only burst but shattered as if it were made of glass and he now has the scars and bruises to show for it.

I have grown to understand the power of maternal love and just how deep those bonds are. It is as though when your child is born, they become separate from you and gradually over time, develop independence and move a little bit further away, and a little bit further from you. You start to think that they are growing up, and that you will not have to, or even be able to, hold their hand forever. And it's sad. But you try your best to give them the tools they need to survive independent of you.

But what happens when they get stuck? - and they will get stuck. What happens when they are incapable or unable to solve the problems laid at their feet? You are sucked back into that style of fierce caregiving that is comparable to a mother lion protecting her cub, and your teenager becomes an infant again in your eyes. Because  the fact remains that they always will be; there is an invisible chord that connects us to not only the physical bodies, but our emotional states, as well.

This is why, once you bring a child into this world, you are forever committed to protecting them and providing for them, even, and often, at your expense.